Let’s start with the fact that I feel like I don’t spend enough time with my kids. I love them to death. They make me crazy. I spend all day in a classroom with other people’s kids, and oddly enough I still want to go home to my own. Other people’s kids make me feel so much better about my own. God people are a mess…(yes, you guessed it, I teach)…I mean, how screwed up are some people…the things I could tell you. (But that will be another day) Back to my kids, they are great: they stand on my vacuum cleaner (it’s a nice 450$ step stool); they can destroy a room in 30 seconds flat; they fight, tattle tale, whine, complain and and yell at each other 24/7; they can make my ears bleed and my soul cringe with one small word, “mom?” – oh yeah, that word is repeated about 5 million times a day; they eat cheerios in my bed, with milk, when I am cleaning the basement; they forget to do their chores; they don’t want to do their homework; they can’t stand going to church; they don’t want to take baths or showers; they won’t clean their rooms; but I’ll tell you, they give the best hugs and kisses and snuggles ever!
It’s this that makes days like today worth while. Typical Saturday and I have an agenda: taxes, grocery shopping, sell cookies, clean, laundry (generic mommy list) and they had another agenda: sleep, watch tv, play with friends. What happens when these two entirely different worlds collide??? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I managed to get the taxes done…gosh that was so worth it, you owe the government $xxxxxxxxxxxxx. Go f- yourself. That’s about where it ended. My foul mood after I wasted 2 hours of my life that I will NEVER get back rendered the rest of the day completely useless. All I wanted at that point was to go home and spend some quality time with a nice red wine.
Since that wasn’t really a viable option at noon on a Saturday, I ventured out into the world with my kids to see what other hell I could subject myself to.
Stop #1: local hardware store to return an item and look around for some new projects I can start and never finish, despite my well placed intentions. How it started: item returned, bags of flower seeds thrown in some random container while I drag children off to bathroom for 10 minutes of playing the “where is your sister?” “where is your brother?” game. Only to be followed by the “keep your g-damned hands off your brother/sister” for the 4000th time. How it ended: Get in the car (muttered under breath, but just loud enough) before all of these people see me beat you.
Stop #2: What kind of cupcakes do we want to get? I want cheesecake, No, I want german chocolate cake, No, I want super oreo blast double stuffed cupcakes, NO! Yellow or Chocolate? They are on sale, nothing else is. I want triple stacked devil’s food chocolate cake, NO! I want…forget it. You get nothing. Let’s go. Followed by a lovely serenade of whining and NOOOOOOO!!!!! I’ll get chocolate, No I want yellow, Chocolate, YELLOW, CHOCOLATE!!!! (Is there a cliff I can jump off of right now.) Followed by another lovely chorus of NOOOO!!! as I inform said children that they will be spending the rest of the evening grounded.
Now I sit here, after a few “I’m sorry’s” and hugs and sad faces, and am feeling guilty. Do I not spend enough time with them? What am I doing wrong? How do I fix it? How do I maintain my sanity, and still maintain a house that will not be condemned if the fire marshall ever stops by? How do I make sure my kids know how to act in public if I worry about how people are looking at me as my children act up? My dad’s solution was a quick public smack to the back of the head or the rear end. Somehow I don’t people will be quite as tolerant in this day and age. I once reprimanded the boy and had someone look at me in disgust. Screw you, you gonna let your kid talk to you like that? Suck it.
In the end, I know i am doing the best I can and no one can give me any solid advice that is tried and true. So, if you see me out in public and I look like I am about to beat the children, know that I am showing an immense amount of restraint, and that if this were 30 years ago you would have seen a public beating. Don’t look at me like I am the devil, don’t whisper to your husband “look at her” and assume I am a horrible parent. I am simply someone who is having a bad day and still trying to get something done instead of drinking all day long. Now, where’s that red wine???